This past weekend was an interesting one. And not because it was
Artscape weekend (more about that later this week) or because a water main broke downtown, effectively shutting off a good chunk of downtown Baltimore.
No it was an interesting weekend for two different reasons.
Saturday morning, I was peacefully sitting on my living room floor engaged in a little DIY project. You see I wanted to bring a little life to my old desk. And I do mean OLD desk--it was mine back in elementary school. It's still in good shape but I was kind of tired of it's early-90's white-ness. So I pulled the drawers out, emptied their contents onto my living room floor, and painted the insides different colors. Mom's on the hunt for drawer pulls to complete the desk's transformation.
Sure I was bummed that there had been a snafu with payday on Friday. Sure I was bummed that it was raining all weekend. Sure I was bummed that I had to start packing my stuff.
But I wasn't that upset. After all, I had plenty of other things I could do around the apartment. I was busy doing just those things when my phone rang. It was Mom. I knew she and Dad were shopping for a new car for her. I answered my phone and this conversation ensued:
Mom: "Courtney where are you?"
Me: "I'm in my apartment"
Mom: "Calm down sweetie. I can't believe they didn't come get you."
Me: "Who didn't come get me?"
Mom: "We'll be there in 15 minutes. Just stay calm."
Me: "I'M IN BALTIMORE."
Mom: "I know. We're leaving now and we'll be there soon."
Me: "Who do you think you're talking to?"
The conversation continued in this manner for a few minutes. During those few minutes I grew increasingly concerned for my mother's sanity and general mental health. After all, I was in Baltimore and they were in Atlanta. Or so I thought. I mean, if they had flown to Baltimore, why hadn't anyone told me? Did she have me confused with Kara? But then again Kara was in DC so that didn't make sense either. Maybe a neighbor?? I refused to believe that my mother had gone insane or suffered some sort of break with reality. I mean, I know car shopping's stressful and all but it's not
that stressful.
Eventually Mom announced they were in the car and both of my parents began giggling hysterically. It took until the next afternoon to get teh full story of what went down that Saturday morning.
Mom and Dad were at a car dealership. Naturally the salesman was all of the used car salesmen stereotypes rolled into one tiny 5'1" package. He made an offer to sell them a crappy car; Mom counter-offered with a ridiculously low price. He got the manager. Mom stuck to her low offer, hoping they would give up and tell her to go elsewhere. They kept trying to haggle. Mom told them she was hungry (even though they had just come from breakfast). They told her they'd get her breakfast from Chickfila. Mom insisted she wanted eggs. They offered to get her eggs. She said she wanted to leave. Dad tried really hard not to laugh. They insisted that she allow them to send someone to get her eggs. Dad answered a cellphone that hadn't rung. He had a semi-panicked conversation, apparently with me. He told Mom that I was panicked because my ride hadn't shown up and that I wanted Mom to call me. They rushed out of the dealership. The above conversation ensued. I questioned my mother's sanity. The used car salesman followed them into the lot, shouting an even lower offer. They sped away.
I kept my phone on the rest of the day, just in case Mom decided to have another "episode."
Not to be outdone by Saturday, Sunday provided some entertainment all its own.
Things progressed normally. I went to church. I came home and ate lunch. I began packing. I watched Girls on HBO (I still can't decide if I like it, but I can't stop watching it). I worked out, I ate dinner. Then I decided to take a detox bath and things got a little interesting.
I've been completely uninhibited about trying things that catch my eye on Pinterest lately. If I have all the necessary materials, I will try it out. I had seen a pin describing how to take a "detox bath." Apparently the bath is good for you. It makes you sweat profusely, which rids your body of toxins.
I filled my bath with the warmest water I could stand. I added salt, baking powder & ground ginger (yeah I know. It's weird). I set my timer for thirty minutes and got in the tub with a book. I thought, no problem, I can soak for thirty minutes while I read.
Wrong.
Exactly seven minutes into the bath I went to chuck my book across the room. Thankfully I remembered that I had borrowed it from a friend so instead I set it down gingerly on the rug, far enough away from the tub that I couldn't slosh bath water all over it.
I was so sweaty I couldn't think straight. I was uncomfortable. I was miserable. I swore. A lot. I said things that good Southern Christian girls don't say. I think I scandalized the birds. I gritted my teeth and stuck out the rest of the thirty minutes. Okay that's a lie. I got out at the twenty eight minute mark. I KNOW. I'm terrible.
Getting out of the tub did little to relieve my discomfort. I dried off, washed my face with ice cold water and threw on pajamas. I was still sweating. I got in bed and read a bit more. Still sweating. I did my quiet time. I was dripping sweat. I turned my fan on full blast. Didn't help. Eventually I went to sleep. Well, kind of.
Here's a fun little tidbit: immediately going to bed after a detox bath will not work. I promise. Give your body a few hours of lazing about to return things to normal. Otherwise you'll end up like me, tossing and turning all night long, simultaneously mentally consumed with how uncomfortable you are and trying not to think about how uncomfortable you are.
If this is what menopause is like, I am not looking forward to it.
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