[damascus]

For those of you not familiar with Christianity, Paul (author of many New Testament texts) wasn't always Paul. He was once Saul, fervent persecutor of Christians. Then on the road to Damascus Saul saw a blinding light. That light knocked him down on the ground. On the ground, Saul heard the voice of Christ, was struck blind and spent three days in Damascus blind, not eating and not drinking. A faithful follower comes to Saul, lays hands on him, baptizes him and restores his sight. From that moment forward Saul is Paul, one of the greatest apostles in the Christian faith.

I keep hearing these stories about Paul-like conversions. There may not be a blinding light, voices coming from the sky or temporary physical impairment. But there is something these stories all have in common: a bright line between "before Jesus" and "after Jesus." All of the sudden this earth-shattering, world-changing moment happens and the story teller believes in God. These aren't unique to people who grew up sans religion. Even those born and raised in Christianity speak of these conversion moments as the moment God actually captured their heart. And they're just that: they're a moment. I don't mean anything negative by that. I just mean to say that there's a specific point in time where these people can pinpoint the transition.

I don't have one of those moments.

I don't.

I was born and raised a Catholic. I was active and involved in my faith. Somewhere in college doubts and anger brewed within me. I adopted a familiar line of reasoning: how can there be a God if I do everything right yet continue to be miserable?? God wasn't living up to my expectations of a magical genie in a bottle and I was disappointed. So I turned my back on the whole thing and became an atheist.

I can't say there was a moment when I turned away from atheism and back to Christianity. It was kind of just this gradual thing. There was intellectual curiosity that eventually turned into a relationship. To be honest the intellectual curiosity never went away. It was there even during my time as an atheist.

My road to Damascus didn't feature a bright light. It was a far more subtle journey. It was entirely in quiet whispers.

For years I felt inadequate. I was somehow less of a Christian because I didn't have that Paul-like encounter.  I can't tell a story about when I got saved. After my bout of atheism I did confess Christ as my savior again. But it wasn't a grand moment on a mountaintop or in a church service. It was a quiet sort of thing. I honestly didn't really feel any different afterwards. A little relieved, but that was it. It just felt like the most natural thing to do. I tried to fit my story into the mold. I tried to find a "conversion moment." But I was looking for something that just didn't exist.

But you know what?

That's okay.

I don't need to a Paul-like moment. God speaks in quiet whispers. Of course we all know that but it's usually something that happens after you get saved. It's this unspoken idea that we all hold that He has to shout first or He'll never get our attention.

But that's just not true.

Neither version is correct. He didn't whisper to me because I'm more refined than someone he shouted to. I want to emphasize that. Just because this is how He spoke to me, doesn't mean that it's better than how He spoke to you. The point I'm driving at in all of this is simply that I spent years standing on a cliff, staring into great hurricanes, lightening storms and earthquakes, trying to find God.

I can't divide my life into a before and after, at least not on this matter.

And I'm finally okay with that.